Saturday, January 07, 2006
first week of school, officially over. last night i sat in front of this computer with the rain pouring outside and no one else at home, i cried because it suddenly dawned upon me that the class i'm currently in will take me all the way for the rest of my life in scgs, for the rest of my two years in this school. and with that thought came another; that i will not have any more chances to be amongst all of you in a classroom anymore.
you know, there are seriously seriously times when i think about the choice i chose, when i think about how i was insistent on bio-chem and it never really occured to me what else the combination would mean - right now i realise that the difference between triple and double science is huge. being in double science, now, for me, means being alone in a class of people i'm mostly unfamiliar with - you don't know how many times i look around in the middle of a lesson to realise that i'm no longer in 2SY 2005, but 3DG 2006, to realise that not every single person in the class is furiously scribbling down notes on writing paper (remember how i used to be one of the only people who didn't take notes during geog, save for at the end of the year? huishan used to tease me about that). and i think, would things be any different if i'd chosen triple instead of double, if i'd chosen to take another science instead of another language, if i'd chosen to stay with most of you?
most of the time that answer comes up to regret, regret for the choice i made, but i know i cannot live with this regret for the rest of my two years, and i know i must learn to adapt no matter how strange or different or difficult it will be.
i cannot say that i hate my current class because i am starting to like it better with every passing day, but i can say that the feeling just isn't the same. with you guys i felt like a shared a special connection; a friendship with every single one of the 37 of you. perhaps that feeling will be brought to me in time to come, but currently i just don't feel as strongly.
i guess that's pretty much all i want to say here.
love as always,
camilla
wheezed and
sneezed ;
9:32 am
